Greater Dispel

something to talk about

2008-05-20T04:43:00.000+08:00

http://musclegrowthlovinfemme.blogspot.com/

and

http://comicality.gayauthors.org
forum

Persona Tests

2008-05-16T13:24:00.002+08:00

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So on Facebook I'm a INFP

INFP

The Idealist

and this I took before the one below

Trait	0 25 50 75 100	%
Openness		100%
Conscientiousness		56%
Extraversion		56%
Agreeableness		56%
Neuroticism		69%

But LATEST results show

---Your Type is
INFJ

Introverted	Intuitive	Feeling	Judging
Strength of the preferences %
33	88	62	22

Velly velly interesting!!!!

This however is a very good read!!!

http://keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=counselor

personality test thingie

2008-04-25T17:18:00.000+08:00

My Personality


Neuroticism	57
Extraversion	53
Openness to Experience	94
Agreeableness	82
Conscientiousness	27

You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.

Poppy-headed Theatre

2007-09-03T16:14:00.000+08:00

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Confessions of a Drama

At a risk of sounding like a drama queen … well, actually I don’t care.
The System of Cikgu Tuko
Warning: Wall of text

The stage is bare.
The props are gone.
The players have left.
The story is told.
And I’m left feeling bereft – with nothing to fill. The most surprising thing, would be that, I was perhaps waiting and wondering why I felt the vacancy throughout the whole production.

I used some of the ‘isolation energy’ on stage.
There were remarked points during the play throughout the 10 plays, that I’ve been consistent in this feeling. The anger, the estranged frustration of wanting to fit in, of being a part of the whole, … trying to be a friend.
Trying to feel included, or at least waiting to be invited.
I felt like a ghost in the wall sometimes, wishing for a thought. Maybe they’ll think of asking me to come out and play.
.Sigh.

Ok – so I will hold myself accountable as well. I’d had imagined I was doing some preparation in truth and however much I hate myself for it, it was for the production. I intentionally kept to myself, whenever I could before call and standby. I waited on the side watching them bond and mingle and I cultivated that mood before getting on stage. But it scalds.
Did I have to do it?
Who knows … coz I didn’t get any feedback on whether it made my performance any stronger, and I just … stuck with it.
.Shrugs.

While they frolicked and conspired with the scenes, I was left guessing of the outcome on stage. At the least, it would have been nice to know what would happen.
My back is either turned away from the audience (which makes me un-relatable) or the ‘student’ (which alienates me from their skit). I do not participate, well partially so.
.Puzzled.

Should I have said something?
I have … as unobtrusive as I could into their sacred circle. But the more I tried, the more I felt I was simply disaffecting their delicate dynamics, and I had to stop and wait for an invitation. Which never came.
Sure, I’ll be extended the occasional jolly invite which in retrospect seem to occur, when I happen to be in close proximity, as an afterthought / consideration (last man in, anyone?), or simply the assumption that I would have known anyways and that I would jolly invite myself irregardless.
I guess its makes sense now. They really don’t know me nor the way I feel.
.Sad.

Its strange to feel understanding and envious. To reason and accept both the situation as it must exists and reconcile my conflicted feelings at the same time.
I know the stage manager has a great rapport with most of them as well, because it shows during the production. The nary invisible tugs and strings of camaraderie that exists beyond the stage walls. They were friends before the production and during.
I thought I was … until the production.
I believed in a virtual companionship instead. I thought I tried, I thought I’d made my intentions to be friends clear by expending a censure of effort to maintain contact, making plans to meet up … but I’m reminded it works two-ways.
But its ok.
That’s life, no? And the most convincing lies are often the ones we tell ourselves.
.Bemused.

I’m not saying that they were being bad, inconsiderate rude fuckers. Quite contrary.
Perhaps, in their conscientiousness to remain understanding, my need to connect was overlooked, over-assumed and subconsciously neglected.
Good intentions, hell and all that.
Or maybe, I’m just getting old. Disassociation and all that.
.Reasoning.

So am I sorry? No.
There’s nothing to apologize for. There’s nothing to forgive, no one did anything wrong. All I wanted to be was a devoted friend, and if I said or did anything unsettling, I didn’t mean it.
I told them every night, I told everyone in the production every night.
But I was drowned out.
I put on a good enough performance to make them look good, and do good they did, so maybe that’s why. I think everyone heard but no one listened.
.Detached.

So now –
I will leave it at that. The moment has passed, and opportunity only really knocks once regardless of how many times I hear the word “Its never too late”. We really can’t turn back the hands of time.
.Regret.

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Undecided Wretch

2007-08-20T15:03:00.000+08:00

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This is going to be one of those trashcan blogs.

I have no idea what will go in here, just .... whatever I guess
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This was a note to ,,, uhmm, make it official or something - now buzz off!

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One of those questionnaires

2007-07-31T17:20:00.001+08:00

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1. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Good friends yes. Even those who cry on the inside, without show of tears.

2. Have you ever cried in an airport?
Yes, bus depots and other public transport stops.

3. Last person to make you laugh?
I don’t know and I don’t want to know – I still have many years to live before considering who’ll be the last person to make me laugh.

4. What was funny?
This question makes no sense in relation to my earlier answer.

5. Favorite John Mayer song?
Dunno. Don’t know his songs much.

6. Scariest movie?
Dungeon and Dragons. The crappy movie with Justin Whelan … and that Wayan guy. It killed my hopes for one of my favourite fantastic childhood indulgences.

7. Last thing to bother you?
Conversational Interruption that was ill-timed.

8. Last person to text you?
A good friend who found his lost wallet.

9. Last time you went looking for new clothes?
Sometime this year a couple of months back.

10. What happened last March?
Trying to maintain my contract job in Bukit Jalil and dealing with late nights at work. No … I’m still doing that except with my full time job at the theatre house.

11. Last person to tell you they miss you?
Too long ago to remember.

12. What bothers your mom the most?
My room. The tornado swept mess that it is, and probably the idea that I can indulge in orgies. I know this, because she told me so.

13. Who will be your next kiss?
Hmm, I’ll keep an open mind about this. Auditioners are welcome

14. Where do you see yourself in 8 years?
Hard to plan or ponder where I could realistically be in 8 years. I would like to have developed magical abilities or perhaps psionic/ psychic well honed senses to use at will as I like. Hopefully older, wiser and richer with hot, intelligent boyfriends.

15. Your first thought in the morning?
‘ … ‘. Blank.

16. Last dream you had?
Fevered ridden dreams have too little coherency to write in words.

17. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
A yes on multiple accounts.

18. Ever been in love?
Until someone can truly define love, than I will say every time.

19. Last time you had a 4 hour talk with someone?
Uhmmm, last night. I’m a sucker for marathon talks.

20. Do you have a Friendster?
Yes, and yes … I join every darn internet profile thingie but I always forget if I had one before and may have ended up making multiple accounts.

21. Do you believe in stupid questions?
I don’t believe in them, but they stubbornly refuse to not exist.

22. Where are you now?At home?
Work.

23. Last time you danced?
My heart dances everytime I’m close to a cute guy. My body shifts and dances in its way everytime I’m next to a hot guy. My soul dances everytime I realize how lucky I am with the friends that I have.
In a club, forever … meaning 7 months to more.

24. The person that taught you how to swim?
This realllllly hot college guy at a public club swimming pool when I was 8. I remember he was realllly hot and I wanted a big brother like him.

25. What’s your ring tone?
One of the tones provided in the defaulted phone tones.

26. Do you own an iPod?
No… now stop making me feel bad.

27. Speak any other languages?
The language of love. Not very good at it yet but I’m getting there.

28. What’s your middle name?
Light of Dawn.

29. How many schools have you been too?
Holy …. I mean … many.
Primary 2, Secondary 2, College 3, no .. 4. University 2. Certificate centres 3 -5.

30. Who from your top friends have you known the longest?
Uhm. I even forget how long. But of my closest right now, Vin Tsen – I’ve known for 10 years now.

31. Lalala?
I prefere La_dee_la. More lilt to it.

32. Do you like the “Brianstorm” song?
What in ‘ecks name is that!

33. Where were you the first time you heard the song “Asereje“?
Double ‘eck is that?

34. Hardest class?
I’ve never really gotten so stimulated in any of my classes before. Why do you ask?

35. How old were you when you went on your first date?
Unofficially 8. (straight). Officially 16 (straight). Wonderfully Gay 17.

36. Who’s your celebrity crush?
If I start now, I won’t end.
And it depends on what category. Should be start by age? By celebrity status (sportsmen – tv – movie)? What about by blondes, brunettes or red-heads?

37. Last thing you bought?
My freedom.

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Fortnight, forthright.

2007-07-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

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Is it right?
To wait 14 days.

This sullen dark night hogs the sounds of the river but I know they are there. I will always know. They lap against the rocks like my heart pumps blood into my veins.

Was it right?
I cannot choose for them, so I gave them 14 days.

I think my children will be awake now, in the arms of a stranger or more. Maybe they'll be better, or should they fare worse, I've absolved my earthly rights.

Should it be?
Its 14 hours, I will surrender to you. Here, as promised.

Not a hesitation too soon. No more frantic search for the meaning of life, rifling through bookstores, lamenting on loss of direction. No searching for old lovers for reassurance that I was once loved. No pain of moving onward, forward and away.

I will open the red life to flow out of me onto the waters of earthly delight below. The swimming sins of plenty gasping like fresh fish on a meat cleaver's block. Red earth clouding up at the base like small puffs of nuclear refuse.

Am I doing it right?
Its already close to mark, the sign of 14 minutes.

I've waited a fortnight for this awakening. Am I so bold or forward as to ask, to request an anesthetic from the numbness.

I will see the light sparkle on the globes of air as it pierces the haze of heaven from the watery bowels. I will join the mistakes of my foremothers and end the cycle that plagues the women who carry my name. I' will give my daughter another life with this.

They will not carry the sins. They will be purged of the wrath. Preserve the sanctity, waters before me. You wouldn't lie to me, would you? Like you did to all the hopeful harlots before me?

Is it right now?
Forthright.
Good bye, daughter ... greetings mother.
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